Relationships
sometimes distance doesn’t change how much you know someone.
It only changes how helpless you feel watching them from afar.
People often mistake my quiet and nerdy appearance for having a specific type. they assume I prefer introverted friends, or that I naturally gravitate toward people who love science, numbers, psychology, and all the things I seem to be interested in. they think similarity is the easiest way to reach me.
They pose as humans even though they have no understanding of the human heart
Lawliet
I noticed recently that for three years I haven’t really known anyone. I haven’t let a single person into my life since 2023. I have been building the walls higher, without even fully registering it was happening. and the part that stops me when I sit with it is this: I didn’t want to know anyone. there was no longing or craving to know anyone, even tho there is distance. no part of me reaching toward people and being held back. I simply had no interest. not in forming relationships, not in initiating, not in letting anything grow into something nameable .
Recently, I was in a meeting, and after the official hours ended, members usually stayed to catch up and chat a bit. one girl came up with a random question. It was something like: what is something a stranger has told you that stuck with you? It wasn’t too long until that moment that I realized I actually had one.
No matter how open, peaceful or loving you are, others can only connect with you at the depth they have reached within themselves.
This realization came to me at twenty one, and it was not gentle. it hurt to admit. I come from a spectrum of people who were never fully able to see others clearly , but I was not one of them. I was always good at analyzing people. I understood patterns, motives, insecurities. I even played the therapist role many times in my life, something I wrote about briefly here . understanding people was not magic. it is a basic human feature if you pay enough attention. the contradiction that confused me for years was this: I could understand almost everyone, yet I struggled to truly connect with them.