Identity
The recent realizations I’ve had about myself, the
hard conversations that followed
, and the evidences I started linking together were pointing to something I didn’t even know existed.
they were slowly lighting the road in front of me. not forcing me forward, just showing me that there is a road. there is an interpretation it is not a random stochastic process.
I’ve never bought a bottle of fragrance twice in my life. I realized this at twenty one, and the strange part is that I already knew it, I was consciously making the decision of changing into a new bottle, new brand every time, I was never a one fragrance person, I just hadn’t looked at it directly, or more inwardly. I’m obsessed with fragrances. I own them, I seek them out, I know what I like. and yet I never go back to the same one. although some were very good and hard to replicate, once, maybe twice, and then it gets tossed out. never buying it again.
Oh, it always looked like you never cared about anything. just you and your computer.
Growing up isn’t the problem, Forgetting is.
- The Little Princess
I noticed recently that for three years I haven’t really known anyone. I haven’t let a single person into my life since 2023. I have been building the walls higher, without even fully registering it was happening. and the part that stops me when I sit with it is this: I didn’t want to know anyone. there was no longing or craving to know anyone, even tho there is distance. no part of me reaching toward people and being held back. I simply had no interest. not in forming relationships, not in initiating, not in letting anything grow into something nameable .
I have been flooded by all sorts of unexplainable emotions these days, and I feel the need to log this one, to sit with it and give it shape. anger is not something I am familiar with. it is an emotion I rarely felt throughout my life. but when I finally cast light on what had been controlling my behavior for so long, when I started seeing my past clearly, I felt angry.