Emotions

I keep thinking about this. a deep, returning feeling of longing for my friend Abdalwahab. I keep imagining a scene where we are together again, in the same town where we first met, walking the same streets. I miss him more than I know how to say. he is a missing essential piece, and what I feel when I sit with his absence with this imagination of going back to the places, is something close to grief, for the years we have had to live apart, growing apart in different directions, in different places, while still carrying each other somewhere we don’t talk about enough.

I’m not an expert in this, but I have a saying, when I surround myself with a certain kind of people, people who have very pure hearts, who don’t fear feeling, who aren’t guarded, who explore and live fully, they often end up being the ones who suffer the most in every situation. the one who love the most in every relationship. they carry the weight of every room they enter. and what makes this harder is that they rarely know how rare they are.

This writing might seem a bit negative or apathetic, and to be honest, I don’t like to show this part of me. People look at my bright eyes and don’t notice sometimes that it is just a performance. And it kills me when they don’t notice, because if I were actually impressed, I would have stayed, or given an honest opinion.

Either at work or in daily life, car horns for no reason. someone dragging their feet without lifting them. cutting a public service queue. leaving clothes in the gym changing room instead of the locker. a bank agent typing five words per minute. an uber driver talking on the phone. someone playing a video on the metro without headphones.

Hardships of life are less hard to endure than living in my head.
Than having an internal conflict.