Contradictions
I sent a voice note to my brother Muhammed - maybe around 7 months ago -, admitting that I probably should have gone to film school, or studied multimedia at university. it was his idea since I was a teenager. he embraced the part of me that loved photography, video and music, and he wanted me to pursue that line. back then I misattributed his reasons. two of his close friends had left engineering for successful careers in media, and I thought he wanted me to become like them. I didn’t see it for what it was, a sharp eye that looks into the soul of someone and knows exactly where they should be in life, just by telling them to do what they love.
I have had this realization, knowing I almost ruined all my relationships. my childhood, teenage years and early twenties are all lessons of detachment and isolation, and I kind of never been hungry for relationships although I wasn’t so fully into them either, and that paradox was what confused me. that all this independence should lead to some desire of feeling what it’s like to feel the dependence you would feel in all sorts of relationships, all this alone time means I might need at least one loyal friend who I would need to talk to about everything. and it really isn’t that strange, but this was another form of walking contradiction. it confused me, but not that much. attributing factors worked as explanations, I might be fulfilled with the close circle I have, and indeed I have a very small circle where I’m fulfilled with life, satisfied mentally, intellectually and emotionally. my very few friends and family are all I need so I don’t look outside. but then also I shouldn’t cheapen bonding myself with others this much, and I wasn’t, I was genuinely fine in forming healthy relationships with others, but it was so messy. not the kind of messy that comes from a dynamic relationship, but in the mechanism I had of making new ones and then when I realized all the things that were holding me back from maintaining and establishing new relationships in my life, it was because of being emotionally detached.
People have a habit of reading me as someone who is chasing something I’m not. they see the startups I’ve been part of, the teams I’ve found myself inside, the communities I’ve helped shape, and they conclude: entrepreneur. business minded. someone with their eye on the market.
That reading has always been a little off. I was never the one who applied. I was nominated, referenced, recommended. I got pulled in. and the reason that distinction matters is because it points to the actual motive, which was never money, and never the feeling of being supreme over others. I don’t love controlling people. I genuinely don’t. not out of shyness, not out of some performed humility, but because responsibility is something I fear, and because I have always preferred being a contributor over being a manager. a contributor does the work. a manager mostly speaks about how the work is progressing. I despised that image of leadership since I was young.
There has been a contradiction in my life for years, and I have only recently started articulating it clearly. I have led communities before . I have been part of founding teams. I have worked inside startups. I repeatedly find myself in environments where leadership, impact are either finds me or is quietly handed to me. yet despite this pattern, I do not think of myself as someone who loves leadership. In fact, if I am honest, I have often avoided it.
Recently, a friend (North) told me something that summarized almost every failed attempt I had at explaining myself in relationships. he said although I wonder around and communicate, I am not dependent on being loved, and I am not dependent on being liked by everyone. and indeed I do not move through life chasing validation or needing reassurance that I matter.
I don’t usually overthink how people read my titles. learning to be bothered , learning to feel again , those who are around me would probably get it. but I’m not writing for strangers anyway. I write to make things clearer to myself. and what I keep coming back to is this pattern in the things I choose to write about: the basic human functionalities, the ones everyone else seemed to pick up without thinking. politeness, warmth, asking for help, letting people in. I had to learn all of those. I was raised well, yes, but I had to do a lot of it alone. sometimes with the help of someone older who took the time. mostly by myself.