What Wren Carried — 06: Starting to Get Excited
A month later, Wren is learning about anxiety and the human mind. I recognized the tone immediately — I had once spoken in it.
- tags
- #What-Wren-Carried #Series #Psychology #Identity #Growth #Memory
- published
- reading time
- 2 minutes
It is a month later now. Wren has been going through something that feels painfully familiar to me, something close to the days I once lived without understanding . today he texted me, excited, talking about learning psychology and trying to understand the human mind and anxiety. I felt briefly happy for him. he sounded genuinely alive, like someone who had finally found a door he wanted to open.
Wren is not usually the type to dive into these themes. he is into anything but interoception, so when he spoke with that kind of curiosity, it caught my attention. then he said something that touched me. he said there were no days he hated himself more than those days. the moment I read that, I felt tightened inside.
I knew immediately that what he was describing was not simple anxiety, at least not in the shallow way the word is often used. anxiety is the surface. beneath it there can be something with teeth. something that does not just whisper worry, and manifest fear, but bites at identity. I recognized the tone because I had once spoken in it.
He thinks he is only learning about the mind now. he thinks he is exploring concepts and terminology. but I can sense he has already looked inside and found something that frightened him. he does not yet know that the thing he is studying might also be the thing he has been running from. he does not yet see that the monster he describes so casually may have been chasing him for years.
When he said he hated himself most during those days, I heard someone who had been fighting something invisible without language for it. and I remembered my own confusion back then.
It is strange to watch someone you care about walk a path you once walked blindly. part of me wants to protect him from what he might discover. part of me knows that understanding is the only way through. the monster inside does not disappear when ignored. it only grows when its abandoned in the dark.
I hope he keeps learning. I hope he keeps reading and asking and dissecting his own thoughts. because if he continues long enough, he will not just understand anxiety. he will understand himself. and maybe one day he will realize that what he thought was self hatred was actually fear wearing armor, trying to protect him in the only way it knew how.