Veteran Of The World, Defeated Inside

Hardships of life are less hard to endure than living in my head.
Than having an internal conflict.

I’m a veteran to the external world.
I can ace whatever you put me through.
The difficulties i can navigate.

But not my internals.
There, I’m not good.
I’m always beaten inside.

I’ve had this quote with me since i was 14.

faith sees best in the dark

And I’ve always seen this come true.
I’ve been able to navigate the most difficult situations in life having faith in me.

This faith can be the peace of knowing this will end.
Or that there is a solution.
A light at the end of the tunnel.
Any form of hope that is sufficient to help sustain the faith.

I’ve always been good at being faithful to my hope during struggles.

But there are battles I’ve been avoiding.
They bring me back on my knees.
They manage to break me down every single time.

Facing them is even worse.
They kill the faith inside of me.
I can’t stand against them.

I can’t see among the infinite possibilities a single possibility where I’m winning.
This kind of darkness is eating the light.

people’s lives do not end when they die. it ends when they lose faith

Losing one of my inner weapons, one of my tools, brings this kind of grief. Faith used to help me see the future.
it helped tell my brain that this pain is temporary.
That i can trust the later. But not these kinds of battles. I cannot imagine a winning future.
My mind scans possibilities and finds none.