a7@github.io ~ $

Posts

Lessons That Healed Me Then Series

When I turned thirteen, something shifted in me. it was not dramatic on the outside, but internally everything felt rearranged. I was lost in a way I could not articulate. I could not understand my emotions, nor my behavior, nor the sudden cynicism that began to color the way I saw the world. I became negative, sharp, and difficult, and I started affecting the people around me without even noticing.

Walking Contradictions – I Could Read You But Not Feel You
No matter how open, peaceful or loving you are, others can only connect with you at the depth they have reached within themselves. This realization came to me at twenty one, and it was not gentle. it hurt to admit. I come from a spectrum of people who were never fully able to see others clearly , but I was not one of them. I was always good at analyzing people.
A User Manual for Being Close to Me

I basically ruined all the friendships I had since I was a kid, and it is me who is the problem, not the people, although I kept myself busy to the point where I don’t feel it most of the time, alongside guilt and fear of making new friendships.

Before You Heal Someone

Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you will understand how foolish it is to think you can change someone else.
— Matthew Hussey

Losing Control Over My Thoughts
This is a part I have always wanted to document and share but I never found the right words for it. it is the scariest feeling I have ever experienced, and it is mainly composed of fear. but it is also confusing in a way that, unless untangled slowly and honestly, it will remain confusing forever. The story goes back to 2023 when I was a student at the University of Khartoum.
Who I Am : on the Person I Failed to Define

This question is by far the hardest for me to answer. I’ve tried for years, and every attempt was prone to failure. A big part of the struggle wasn’t just about identity itself, but about how strange my relationships were, unstable, confusing, always shifting. It’s hard to know who you are when the people around you don’t stay long enough , for you to see your reflection in them.

I Forget Too Much

You’re just forgetful.

There is one attribute that almost all the people around me seem to know about, because I keep talking about it a lot: I find it difficult to remember both people and places, I forget things very easily.

The Moment I Realized What He Meant to Me

I remember coming back to Sudan from Saudi Arabia when Abd Alwahab told me he had secured a scholarship in India and might travel to pursue it. After a lifelong friendship, growing up in the same district our entire lives, the time had finally come for him to leave for his undergraduate degree. I don’t recall thinking deeply about it at first, because it seemed that he hadn’t fully made up his mind yet. When I returned to Sudan, I got busy with university, and suddenly things became real on his side.

I Learned Meaning Before I Learn Pleasure

There is a famous Viktor Frankl quote:
“When a man can’t find a deep sense of meaning, he distracts himself with pleasure.”

Learning the Truth About How I Love

your growth is directly proportional to the amount of truth you are willing to accept about yourself.