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Growing up isn’t the problem, Forgetting is.
- The Little Princess
I tried to run from this idea. But it keeps finding me. I wish if I could disbelieve it, but it keeps proving to me that it is a truth. it finds me in the silence between distractions. it finds me when I am almost okay, and it sits beside me, it whispers, and it says: you are still here. still alone in this.
Doing it alone is hard. No one to see my progress. No one notices the night I chose to fight, the morning I got up when everything in me said stay down. No one is there to say I see it. I see what it is costing you. I just carry the evidence of my own becoming and have nowhere to put it. nowhere to share it. because of what? because I have never learn to.
I noticed recently that for three years I haven’t really known anyone. I haven’t let a single person into my life since 2023. I have been building the walls higher, without even fully registering it was happening. and the part that stops me when I sit with it is this: I didn’t want to know anyone. there was no longing or craving to know anyone, even tho there is distance. no part of me reaching toward people and being held back. I simply had no interest. not in forming relationships, not in initiating, not in letting anything grow into something nameable .
Recently, I was in a meeting, and after the official hours ended, members usually stayed to catch up and chat a bit. one girl came up with a random question. It was something like: what is something a stranger has told you that stuck with you? It wasn’t too long until that moment that I realized I actually had one.
I have been flooded by all sorts of unexplainable emotions these days, and I feel the need to log this one, to sit with it and give it shape. anger is not something I am familiar with. it is an emotion I rarely felt throughout my life. but when I finally cast light on what had been controlling my behavior for so long, when I started seeing my past clearly, I felt angry.
Today, I spent five hours talking to Awab.
It wasn’t planned. no intention, no emotional preparation. he texted me casually saying: “VC in 2–3 hours?” the kind of message you expect to lead to small updates and shallow catching up as we usually do. Instead,it became one of the most profound conversations I’ve ever had.