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I noticed recently that for three years I haven’t really known anyone. I haven’t let a single person into my life since 2023. I have been building the walls higher, without even fully registering it was happening. and the part that stops me when I sit with it is this: I didn’t want to know anyone. there was no longing or craving to know anyone, even tho there is distance. no part of me reaching toward people and being held back. I simply had no interest. not in forming relationships, not in initiating, not in letting anything grow into something nameable .
Recently, I was in a meeting, and after the official hours ended, members usually stayed to catch up and chat a bit. one girl came up with a random question. It was something like: what is something a stranger has told you that stuck with you? It wasn’t too long until that moment that I realized I actually had one.
I have been flooded by all sorts of unexplainable emotions these days, and I feel the need to log this one, to sit with it and give it shape. anger is not something I am familiar with. it is an emotion I rarely felt throughout my life. but when I finally cast light on what had been controlling my behavior for so long, when I started seeing my past clearly, I felt angry.
Today, I spent five hours talking to Awab.
It wasn’t planned. no intention, no emotional preparation. he texted me casually saying: “VC in 2–3 hours?” the kind of message you expect to lead to small updates and shallow catching up as we usually do. Instead,it became one of the most profound conversations I’ve ever had.
I remember very distinctly how my elder brother Mohammed wanted me to pursue a career in media. he wanted me to become a photographer or a videographer, or whatever lived in that space. I do not know whether he saw my talent, or whether he simply noticed how much I loved it. the truth is I did love it. but at the time, I was lost in myself, I wasn’t clear about my love to this particular hobby, I was fooled by the glaring effect of science and progress. and to be fair, it is glaring.
There was a time in my life when I allowed myself to be uncertain. uncertainty was my mindset. it did not affect the technical side of my questions, nor did it damage my daily decision making on the surface. but internally, I sometimes drowned in it. the paradox of choices embedded itself into my behavior, and perfectionism became a side effect of refusing to pick what felt suboptimal. I lived inside my head more than I realized. this state was invisible to the external world. it was entirely internal. I was doubting my own internals.