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I used to lament having no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.
When I was a kid, my elder brother Mohammed used to work in many charity organizations . I used to be part of many of the events these charities were about. I saw the suffering of kids who were at the same age as me, many of whom had no father, no mother, no home to return to.
Oh, it always looked like you never cared about anything. just you and your computer.
you go through life for a long time believing no one has ever suffered the way you have.
and then, one day, you read something. or you hear something.
and you realize your suffering does not isolate you. it is your bridge.
Growing up isn’t the problem, Forgetting is.
- The Little Princess
I tried to run from this idea. But it keeps finding me. I wish if I could disbelieve it, but it keeps proving to me that it is a truth. it finds me in the silence between distractions. it finds me when I am almost okay, and it sits beside me, it whispers, and it says: you are still here. still alone in this.
Doing it alone is hard. No one to see my progress. No one notices the night I chose to fight, the morning I got up when everything in me said stay down. No one is there to say I see it. I see what it is costing you. I just carry the evidence of my own becoming and have nowhere to put it. nowhere to share it. because of what? because I have never learn to.
I noticed recently that for three years I haven’t really known anyone. I haven’t let a single person into my life since 2023. I have been building the walls higher, without even fully registering it was happening. and the part that stops me when I sit with it is this: I didn’t want to know anyone. there was no longing or craving to know anyone, even tho there is distance. no part of me reaching toward people and being held back. I simply had no interest. not in forming relationships, not in initiating, not in letting anything grow into something nameable .