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Change is not only about will power. you can fight your inner conflicts . you can decide to improve . you can push yourself daily. but there is another factor that matters just as much: timing. some forms of change does not happen just because you want it to. it happens when life gives it space to grow. it happens when conditions are in favorable.
The moment I stopped running from what I was avoiding , I lost the ability to block it again .
Thoughts rushed in, not one by one, but in clusters. some arrived without me knowing, leaking through without me noticing. others appeared fully formed, things I never knew existed inside me, I started asking questions that felt almost foreign.
Are these my thoughts? Are these my beliefs? how did I ever believe some of these things, even subconsciously?, Where is this fear coming from. is it one source, or many ?
Wren’s heart is deeply faithful. when we lived in the same building, I never once saw him miss a prayer at the mosque. not even Fajr. no matter the hour, he was always there.
I met him when I was around eighteen, and we remained friends from that point on. he has one of the most beautiful voices I have ever heard in Quran recitation. our conversations were light. he was gentle, considerate, quiet. a pure soul. he did not have many people around him, at least that is how it felt to me.
Hardships of life are less hard to endure than living in my head.
Than having an internal conflict.
About This Series
This story is about the gentle collapse of Wren, and I’m watching it all from a distance.
Wren is someone I’ve known for a few years now. the kind of person who doesn’t take up much space in a room. he’s older than me, a little more worn, a little more faithful, not just to God, but to the version of himself he’s been holding onto since long before I met him.
If you were to ask me what the worst feeling is, I would not choose one single emotion. it is not anger alone. not grief alone. not sadness or longing by themselves. the worst feeling is when they all gather at once. tension born from emotional suppression. confusion layered over alienation. longing mixed with hopelessness. pressure sitting beside grief. anger tangled with sadness. it is not one storm. it is many storms colliding in the same sky.