Not Built For Relationships The Way You Think

This month I have been seeking advice from people I trust about how to handle relationships in my life. there are a few relationships I deeply care about and genuinely want to preserve. but the majority of the tension I face comes from relationships I never consciously chose. they simply happened. I would find someone assuming we were friends, while I had never said so .

Only after hearing what some people said about me, and reflecting on the patterns, did I begin to see things clearly. looking back, there were many times when I was simply enjoying good conversations or shared moments without naming anything. in university, I saw people as colleagues. at work, as coworkers. if we met randomly, then you were just someone I met randomly. I always defaulted to the middle ground . no labels. no promises. no silent contracts.

But here is the uncomfortable truth. that position can be selfish, because when I treat someone kindly, when I give them attention, when I show empathy, they may interpret it as an invitation to something deeper. and they have the right to interpret it that way. it took me 21 years to understand this simple fact: people get attached more easily than I do. they are not wired like me.

I always knew this intellectually. but emotionally, I avoided it. I would run before things developed, afraid they would signal something I never intended. I have lived most of my life without actively seeking friendships or romantic relationships. not because I hate people, but because I am not biologically wired in a way that pushes me to form bonds naturally. and honestly, I function well alone. I have my circle. I have my people. I do not feel the urge to continuously add new ones.

This can easily be misunderstood, It may sound like rejection. like I do not want you specifically in my life. but it is not personal . I respect people. I help when I can. I can spend quality time with someone and genuinely enjoy it. I do not judge people. yet many assume that if I do not deepen the relationship, there must be something wrong with them. they begin doubting themselves.

The reality is much simpler, I am not into relationships the way most people are.

For example, I have a strange way of picking my friends . I do not choose based on similarity or shared interests. so when someone believes we have so much in common that friendship is inevitable, and then I do not move forward, they may internalize it as rejection. but the issue is not them. it is that they chose someone who is not built for expanding relationships casually.

I also recognize my own responsibility, In the past, I acted with openness and kindness without realizing how it might be perceived. I was simply having conversations, living in the moment, without any intention of building something long term. I never thought in terms of “let’s make this a friendship.” that idea was rarely in my mind. but my behavior may have signaled something else.

Over time, I learned that I have a complex internal system for making relationships . one I am not entirely proud of. I unknowingly created many pending requests . instead of addressing them, I avoided them. I disappeared. I left people in ambiguity.

Now I understand it better.

We live in a world where basic decency and thoughtfulness are rare enough that they are mistaken for invitations . when someone is empathetic, attentive, and considerate, people cling to them. not out of malice, but out of hunger. they are starving for connection in a world that often feels careless.

But hunger should not turn into consumption, do not let your need for connection blind you to how much space you are taking from someone. be mindful of them the way they are mindful of you. because in the end, they are human too.

And here is where I am still stuck, I do not know how to act moving forward. I do not want to become cold or rude just so people keep distance. I do not want anyone’s self image to be damaged because of my boundaries. I do not want to manipulate my energy or dim myself so people will leave.

I want to live fully. I do not want to leave myself. and at the same time, I do not want people to attach to me in ways I cannot sustain, that is the tension I am still learning how to hold.