Losing Control Over My Thoughts

This is a part I have always wanted to document and share but I never found the right words for it. it is the scariest feeling I have ever experienced, and it is mainly composed of fear. but it is also confusing in a way that, unless untangled slowly and honestly, it will remain confusing forever.

The story goes back to 2023 when I was a student at the University of Khartoum. I wrote about that period before in a draft called days that I still do not understand . during that time, I was packed with fear. I was shaking for no obvious reason, living inside something I could not explain. I kept saying it was my sympathetic nervous system reacting because I was grinding too hard, as if my body had decided to pull the emergency brake for me. but that explanation slowly started to feel shallow. what triggered my nervous system in the first place? why was I already tense before the collapse? why was I restless long before everything fell apart?

The more I try to connect the dots, the more I realize that period of my life was instrumental in shaping me. people seemed to move on from their past and even romanticize it, but I was running from mine. I avoided thinking about that particular chapter because it scares me. I do not understand what really happened back then, and the fact that I do not understand it makes it heavier. sometimes I feel like it might mean something I am not ready to face yet, or something I am still afraid to know.

What I remember very clearly from that time is the fear itself. I was afraid, and for the first time in my life I could not make sense of it. there was no external threat. life was normal on the outside. but internally I was terrified, and I did not even know of what. the fear was eating my head and manifesting in my body. I was shaking without a visible cause. I had experienced panic attacks before, but this felt different.

It was not the fear alone that terrified me. it was the fact that it was uncontrollable. I could not tell myself, there is nothing to be afraid of, calm down, and actually believe it. that inner command that used to work stopped working. the scariest realization was that I had no control over my thoughts. and that loss of control shook my identity more than the fear itself. I have always seen myself as someone who can hold himself together even in the most difficult situations. I was able to regulate my reactions, to choose who I wanted to be in a moment, to command my mind.

Losing that ability was the real collapse. it felt as if something else had taken the steering wheel. everything used to feel within reach, as if I could decide who I am and how I respond. then suddenly, I could not tell my mind what to do. that experience of losing authority over my own thoughts, of not being able to self regulate, was the most frightening part of all. it was not just fear. it was the feeling that my mind was no longer fully mine.