Learning To Be Bothered

Either at work or in daily life, car horns for no reason. someone dragging their feet without lifting them. cutting a public service queue. leaving clothes in the gym changing room instead of the locker. a bank agent typing five words per minute. an uber driver talking on the phone. someone playing a video on the metro without headphones.

Inwardly, I get bothered easily by the small inconsistencies surrounding us. sometimes they even flare up my IBS. I wonder how someone can be so unaware while doing something so uncivilized.

Outwardly, I am calm. I can smile at your face, make you laugh, and gently tell you what you did wrong if I feel like it would help you .

I am not exposed to these stimuli as often as I could be. I live in my own bubble, intentionally isolating myself from things that have the potential to bother me. but life is full of inconsiderate acts, constantly. as a child, I learned not to react. to keep my mind peaceful. I mastered the art of ignoring.

Only later did I realize the cost. the debt was buried rage.

Over time, I came to dislike certain groups of people. not personally, but because of their lack of thoughtfulness and their insensitivity to others and to shared spaces.

I do not want to carry hatred. it is heavy. I do not want to feel rage either. but it has to be released somehow.

What I used to do when someone bothered me was simple. I would look them straight in the eye, serious, with a silent “what are you doing”. sometimes it worked. sometimes it embarrassed them. other times it did nothing.

I cannot waste my life teaching the world how to behave. but what I started doing instead is quieter and more deliberate. I talk about the things that bother me to the people who caused them, when they are people I see repeatedly. at the mosque. at university. at work.

Not strangers on the street. I do not have time for that.

This is not because the act was unbearable. I can ignore almost anything. it is because I do not want small, dark dots of rage and resentment to accumulate inside me, slowly turning into numbness.

Teenagers

The best mentality is to not get bothered by stupid things every day
Teenagers learning how to repress emotions

I used to be skeptical of the idea that living unbothered was a sign of maturity. at a certain age, people who are considerate and well raised often adopt the mentality of “do not let idiots ruin your day”.

When you are younger, you argue. you explain. you waste energy on people who will not change. eventually, you stop. you choose peace.

Some people take this too far.

They begin to ignore the existence of inconsiderate behavior entirely. even when it affects them directly, they dismiss it. they say people are just careless. that anger is pointless. and they move on.

But what if the anger was not erased . what if it was only blocked.

If you are someone with strong control over your thoughts and yourself, you might notice something subtle. the next time something should bother you and you let it pass as if nothing happened, there are actually stages taking place. you only see them once you start loosening repression.

First, there is the initial irritation. it lasts from one to ten seconds (at least to me). it is not visible on the face. it happens internally, then you breathe. you calm yourself.

After that comes a strange feeling. difficult to describe. unpleasant. heavy in the chest. slightly gloomy. I recently understood that this is repression.

No one is free from anger. we only learn how to suppress and manage it. the real question is whether it disappears or stays stored.

This is not a call to make the world more hostile. but someone who never speaks about what bothers them is often taken for granted. kindness gets mistaken for weakness. when you never say “I do not like this”, it keeps happening, for someone who feels emotionally cold, permanently unbothered, it is often because they mastered repression too well.

There are moments when you need to allow yourself to be angry. and moments when you need to show that you are bothered. the skill is learning how to do it properly, without cutting off the people around you.

Done well, it creates clarity. it resolves conflict. and most importantly, it keeps the heart light.

Expressing that you are bothered is not aggression. it is self respect. it is refusing to let what you tolerate quietly shape who you become.

recommended read Learning the Opposite