It Was Never Small

I have been flooded by all sorts of unexplainable emotions these days, and I feel the need to log this one, to sit with it and give it shape. anger is not something I am familiar with. it is an emotion I rarely felt throughout my life. but when I finally cast light on what had been controlling my behavior for so long, when I started seeing my past clearly, I felt angry.

the things I went through were not as small as I once believed. they were not as random as I convinced myself they were. realizing that made something crack inside me, when I discovered what had been holding me back, I did not feel relief as I should be. I did not think, now I have progressed, now I should be happy that I know. instead, I was overwhelmed by complexity, more added complexity, by the weight of the questions that followed. one question kept repeating itself: “was my suffering purposeful?” was there a reason I had to fight battles in my head that no one ever saw. do these things count for anything. is this a punishment or a blessing?

these thoughts make me furious. truly furious. it is the first emotion I have experienced clearly after these realizations. I am angry that I had to go through all of this inside my own head. angry that somewhere out there exists a version of me who never had to cross the rivers I crossed. a version who is not paralyzed. a version who arrived here easily, without carrying this invisible weight.

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