It Was Never Power to Me

Oh, it always looked like you never cared about anything. just you and your computer.

people saw it as strength, you forget things easily.
you are friends with everyone, yet attached to none.
you are cold blooded, they said. nothing really harms you. nothing causes you pain.
we have never seen you lose your temper before.
it feels like you have no heart.

but that was never power to me.
I was never proud of it from the inside.
not being able to feel things is not power.
silencing my urges without effort is not power.
suppressing emotions is not power.
getting lost to the point where I no longer know what I want is not power at all.
being a robot was never power to me.

when I was a kid, I wished for people who never lost their temper.
people who never expected me to be around all the time.
everyone else seemed fragile to me back then. that was the word I used. fragile.
but they were not fragile.
they simply had a greater emotional capacity to feel. than I did they were regular humans, functioning exactly as expected.
it was me who set the wrong standards.

poem