I Have Nothing To Say About This

I don’t really find myself like everyone else. most times, I have no opinion on almost everything. I have no favorites. I don’t have a stance on almost anything that happens. I get asked, what’s your take on this? what’s your stance? and when I try to investigate myself within, I find none. there is no clear answer.

These are not things related to the technical, materialistic sciences. I’m good with that part of the world, the part that is objective, measurable, structured. but I’m not good at things like moral good, personal preferences, political stances, human desires that seem natural to everyone else. they feel foreign to me. I cannot formulate words for my desires, opinions, or positions. not because I haven’t tried to know them, but because it feels as if they were never embedded in my system to begin with.

As if my moral compass is silent.
As if I have never read history.
As if I never cared about anything beyond the figures and numbers of math and computers.

And it happens every time. the same confusion starts. why do I have nothing to say about this? the problem is many of these topics are not trivial. they are serious. yet I appear nonchalant. but that’s not the truth.

On the surface, Ahmed is a nerdy dude who only cares about computers. he doesn’t seem to care, they say. that’s how it looks from the outside. but from the inside, I feel I am too concerned with myself to be concerned with anything else. and this concern is not productivity. it is not busyness. sometimes it is just wondering, about myself, about the world, about everything.

When I was fifteen, I used to think this was because the world is simply a place where everyone has their own perception of it . there is no objective reality, I thought. everyone was so good at finding answers to the questions they were concerned about. others crafted their own answers. others were but not even bothered by these questions at all.

But me, instead of creating my own version of subjectivity, or allowing myself to live in ignorance, I drowned myself in uncertainty, skepticism, and doubt. I was lost. maybe part of it was that I allowed myself to get lost this was my response to the complexity of a world I could not interpret.

Both the internal world and the external world demanded interpretation. they demanded frameworks, filters, tools. and back then, I did not have them.