I Can't Accept Compliments

I remember once posting on Facebook about how I dislike people who compliment me , and I wrote something along the lines of: if you want to be a good friend of mine, do not give me compliments.

It sounded rude. maybe it was rude. but it was honest, this writing might feel heavy, but I am not planning to soften it. the grace of people, in the form of praise and admiration, has never meant much to me. that does not mean I prefer walking around with everyone hating me. It does not mean I reject appreciation completely. a simple “thank you” feels natural. a few sincere words describing what you felt can be meaningful.

But when it turns into sweet talk, when someone starts describing how amazing my performance was, how inspiring I am, how exceptional something I did was, I struggle to swallow it.

There is a resistance inside me that activates immediately, I know something about myself very clearly: I cannot accept compliments in the way most people do. I do not feel what I am supposed to feel. I watch people receive praise and I see it brighten their faces, I see it energize them. for some, it becomes fuel. for others, it becomes something they crave , sometimes even in unhealthy ways.

In almost every case, compliments create an effect. but not with me, for me it scares me, when its there, It feels like the signal does not transmit. as if the emotional circuitry that translates praise into warmth simply does not exist. no matter how much someone describes me positively, it does not land internally. I hear the words. I understand the sentence. but I do not feel it.

It is not only that I avoid situations where I might receive compliments, although I do. It is also that even when I stand still and let them happen, nothing moves inside. no pride. no surge of joy. no validation.

most times I feel discomfort instead, there is a strange tension in being praised. a subtle urge to reject it. to minimize it. to respond with humor maybe. to redirect attention elsewhere. It feels safer to dismiss it than to let it enter.