For Three Years I Have Been Somewhere Else

I’m slowly starting to form an answer. the three years I wrote about were not random. they were shaped, heavily and quietly, by days I still don’t understand , and I keep discovering this, a little more each day. those days are becoming one of the most important chapters of my life. so dense, so unprocessed, that it has taken me years just to begin understanding what happened there. and I still don’t have the full image. there is something I haven’t yet confronted, something I’m not ready to name, sitting at the center of it that I keep circling without going in. What I do know is this: I feel like I got caught there. like I locked myself inside those days without realizing it. like there is a version of me that I left behind in 2023, specifically at the University of Khartoum, and never went back for. a version I am too afraid to think about clearly. I didn’t choose to abandon it consciously. I just never processed it. and when I try to understand why, I find nothing. not resistance, not pain, just absence.like a self discontinuity: when something ruptures so completely that the person you were before it and the person after it don’t feel connected, just splitted. it is not like growth, the I outgrew something. but like.. the way I imagine it, something that was never finished, yet I closed the door.

From my Apple Notes

I wrote that note to myself at some point and couldn’t argue with it when I found it again. it said what I hadn’t been able to know for three years. that the intention to stay sealed, to not know and not be known, isn’t being challenged by anything inside me. not a single thought pushes back against it. and that is what frightens me. not the isolation, I’m fine with ti. but the silence where the resistance should be. I don’t see a world where I want to know anyone. I don’t see a world where I want to be known. and what scares me most is that it doesn’t feel like a problem. it feels like a conclusion. I’m fine with it. And I don’t know what to do with that.