Disproves - the Battle Between Belief and Evidence

And then I’m surprised because… I guess I’m surprised because people care, cause I think, when I was young growing up, I felt like nobody cared, and you put up all these things inside of you because nobody cares, and then you happen upon a small moment where somebody really cares, and it just disproves everything you ever knew about the world, and that is surprising. Theo von

The following is a dialog of a two minutes I had with Awab in our 5 hours long call , which was one of the most important conversations I had in my life, I have written about it here the day it finished.

Almost 2 hours into the call I knew Awab was about to share these wise words and the lessons I will be the disciple to learn from, so I asked him if I can record the entire conversation, and I did manage to record around two and half hours of pure wisdom, I have the recording copies every where, today I felt this one, its not a lesson out of the 22 I could list, but it was a feeling that I shared with him, I felt deeply what he felt, I knew exactly what he was talking about, the dialog is not translated its raw, as we speak in english, I striped filler words and did not replace a word, I will attach the original part of the voice.

Dialog Transcript  

Awab: why is it that I’m doing what I’m doing, so it started off with: when I get back go work,… let me check the chat that would be helpful 

Ahmed: okay, take your time 

Awab: The conversation flow was basically, so what if you don’t work? What are you afraid of, basically, so I was exploring my fear, that was what I wanted, I wanted to explore the fear so I could have something to be afraid off, so I could have something to run away from, as opposed to something to be motivated to go towards, that was also a 1% improvement, it didn’t do it, it helped, but like it wasn’t, it wasn’t the solution, but all of this thinking did lead me to have one of the worst nights of my life.

Awab: I had a conversation with my friends, at the time, I didn’t have a good time, I didn’t enjoy it, a lot was happening in my head so I started writing it down, and as I’m writing it down, I look at what I’m writing, and I’m like, this makes no sense, I don’t believe… I don’t believe these things that I’m saying, I don’t have these opinions, I’m writing stuff like, oh, my friends hate me, one second later, thats one hundred percent false, and thats a very silly thing to say, we have all these evidences, what are you talking about, and then one second later I’m back to: oh my friends hate me, and its like I’m have two completely…. It was very scary to lose my own trust in my own thoughts, like these thoughts are not mine,

Ahmed: this is the scariest thing

Awab: it was very terrifying and I’m like, this is not my thought, this is somebody else talking

Ahmed: just listening to you makes me very anxious but continue

Awab: laughs, it was very terrifying, the worst 4 hours, I called a friend, like yo, my brain is not working, I need somebody else who isn’t me, cause I literally cannot trust my own judgment right now, I cannot trust any of the thoughts I’m having, these are not mine, I feel, this is scary, we had a talk for few hours, the next part is crazy…. 

Disproves

Now there is something that disproves what you thought was your entire life, and now you can see it, now you know, because it is confirmed, but you also still don’t believe it, there is a resistance, a force that tries to push it away, for Awab it was his friends hating him vs them being actually there for him, for Theo Von it was someone who stayed and cared when he thought no one cares, the cases are different but the battle is one, its the battle of the subconscious subtle deep beliefs that is rooted in the soul and mind, fighting what is happening currently, saying, oh, there is something that disproves it, what? are you telling me my own thoughts… my own beliefs are not accurate?

On the conflict

This conflict happening inside, between two contractors notions is the worst to experience in different levels, I remember I faced mine back in 2022 not realizing what I was dealing with, its only until now that I understood what it was, Its so strange how your own mind is trying to fight the truth, and not believing in what is there. Its a strange to see how my friends were always there for me but I was running away, how my sisters always wanted me to find joy and ease in life instead of caving in but I kept exhausting myself with all sorts of achievements. what was I trying to prove? what it was that I’m running from?

Disproves

There is a moment in life that feels almost illegal, something happens that directly disproves what you believed was true about the world. not intellectually, but experientially.

You see it, you feel it, It is confirmed in front of you. snd yet, you still resist it. for Awab, it was the belief that his friends hated him, collapsing in front of overwhelming evidence that they were there for him. for Theo Von, it was someone caring deeply when he had grown up believing nobody cared.

For me, it was different, the experiences were not the same. the belief had different shapes. the history behind them was different.

But the structure of the battle was identical. there is an old belief, quiet, subtle, deeply rooted. It feels like truth because it has existed for so long. then reality presents counter evidence. clear evidence. undeniable evidence.

And instead of relief, something else appears, resistance.

A force that says,
“No. This cannot be true.”
“Don’t trust this.”
“This is temporary.”
“This doesn’t change what you know.”

It is terrifying to realize that your own beliefs can be inaccurate. that what you carried as unquestionable truth may have been a survival narrative.tThat your subconscious built a model of the world, but now contradicts reality.

And when reality disproves your belief, your mind does not celebrate, It fights.

On the conflict

This internal conflict, between old belief and present evidence, is one of the most destabilizing experiences a person can have.

It is not loud.
It is not dramatic from the outside.
But internally, it feels like two versions of you arguing over ownership of reality.

One voice says: “This is proof. Look at it.” The other says: “No. We don’t trust this.” And the frightening part is not the fear itself, It is the loss of trust in your own thinking .

When Awab said, “These thoughts are not mine,” I understood him immediately. not because I lived his story. but because I have experienced that split, that moment where your mind produces thoughts that feel foreign, yet they sound like you.

I faced mine back in 2022 without realizing what I was dealing with. I did not have language for it then. I did not understand that I was witnessing a collision between an outdated belief and a present reality trying to correct it.

It is strange to watch your own mind fight the truth.

Strange to see that people were there for you, and yet you emotionally lived as if they were not. strange to recognize that love existed around you, but you were structured internally to doubt it. strange to see that support was consistent, yet you behaved as if you were alone.

In my case, it was not “my friends hate me.”
It was not “nobody cares.”

It had different wording. different fears. different history, but the mechanism was the same. a deeply rooted belief meeting contradictory evidence and refusing to surrender easily, that is the real battle. not between you and the world, but between an old internal model and a new external reality.

And sometimes the hardest part is accepting that the old model keeps you trapped.