Can Someone Please Tell Me I'm Wrong

I remember that particular day. I was heading to the University Of Khartoum. I took the city train. I was standing. there were no seats left. my head was facing the floor, and the train was moving. I was just there.

I was not looking at my phone. usually, I read a book on the way, or watch something, or listen to anything just to pass time. that day was different. not because I woke up differently. I woke up normally. I did everything normally. but I did not hold my phone. it was just me and my thoughts.

A real and honest moment happened there with myself. one I will never forget. I was telling myself, please let someone tell me that I am wrong. I begged for it. I wanted someone to stop me, to tell me to wake up. I felt like I had been living my life doing everything alone, with no one questioning what I do.

Please, someone wake me up. someone help me. I want someone to tell me that something I am doing is wrong. I wanted it to happen right there, right then. I cried silently. a few tears fell to the floor. no one noticed. I gathered myself and moved on with the day, wearing the mask.

That day, I did not understand what had happened. I explained it temporarily as a need for real feedback. I even wrote about it here . I thought I wanted people to tell me what I was doing wrong. badly. because everyone around me kept praising me, telling me how good or impressive I was.

I could not accept their compliments. you cannot let love inside if you do not love yourself first. I took their words as appreciation, but I did not need them. I needed the opposite. I needed people who would challenge me. who would stop me.

I felt as if something important was missing. at first, I thought it was the lack of honest feedback. but later I realized it was not feedback itself that I wanted. it was what real feedback would lead me to. I wanted to be saved. I wanted someone to show me the way.

Looking at it clearly now, I understand why I cried that day. I did not cry for no reason. and I did not cry just because I lacked feedback. no one craves feedback this deeply without something else underneath.

I wanted someone to take my hand and tell me that what I was doing was wrong. not to judge me, but because I was lost inside. I felt nothing. days passed since I was young as if I was asleep. living on autopilot. never truly feeling anything.

I laughed every day. but those sunny and vibrant days were gray to me. because inside, I was empty. people clapped for me, but that was never what I wanted. I wanted people to help me.

I wanted someone to help me.

Because if nothing was wrong, I would not have felt this emptiness inside of me.