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I used to lament having no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.
When I was a kid, my elder brother Mohammed used to work in many charity organizations . I used to be part of many of the events these charities were about. I saw the suffering of kids who were at the same age as me, many of whom had no father, no mother, no home to return to. the suffering was everywhere, yet they managed to smile every now and then. these were perhaps the earlier times when I started comparing my suffering to those whose suffering was far greater than mine.
Today, I spent five hours talking to Awab.
It wasn’t planned. no intention, no emotional preparation. he texted me casually saying: “VC in 2–3 hours?” the kind of message you expect to lead to small updates and shallow catching up as we usually do. Instead, it became one of the most profound conversations I’ve ever had. this piece exists to serve as an act of gratitude toward Awab, a person I realized today I’ve never properly stopped to appreciate. this is how I process affection: by intellectualizing the feelings, by writing instead about it, instead of feeling it directly, lol. If so, It captures fragments of what I learned about friendship, about myself, and about what it means to be understood without asking to be.
I basically ruined all the friendships I had since I was a kid, and it is me who is the problem, not the people, although I kept myself busy to the point where I don’t feel it most of the time, alongside guilt and fear of making new friendships. I started to drop people before the cycle of me starting to get cold and avoidant begins, which would eventually ruin the friendships or relationships anyway.
This question is by far the hardest for me to answer. I’ve tried for years, and every attempt was prone to failure. A big part of the struggle wasn’t just about identity itself, but about how strange my relationships were, unstable, confusing, always shifting. It’s hard to know who you are when the people around you don’t stay long enough , for you to see your reflection in them. This writing sums all my previous attempts in the search for who I am.
I remember coming back to Sudan from Saudi Arabia when Abd Alwahab told me he had secured a scholarship in India and might travel to pursue it. After a lifelong friendship, growing up in the same district our entire lives, the time had finally come for him to leave for his undergraduate degree. I don’t recall thinking deeply about it at first, because it seemed that he hadn’t fully made up his mind yet. When I returned to Sudan, I got busy with university, and suddenly things became real on his side.
There is a famous Viktor Frankl quote: “When a man can’t find a deep sense of meaning, he distracts himself with pleasure.” Franks argues that the lack of meaning causes people to seek temporary relief in superficial pursuits, rather than addressing the underlying existential void. Perhaps for many, maybe even for most people, this is a big issue, but there is another group that suffers from the opposite problem. Frankel’s inverse law: when a man can’t find a deep sense of pleasure, they distract themselves with meaning.
your growth is directly proportional to the amount of truth you are willing to accept about yourself.
It’s never simple to confront an insecurity you’ve never recognized before, to finally name something that has quietly shaped you for years. I’m not afraid to acknowledge it but I’m also not very comfortable exposing my vulnerabilities . Still, I believe that notes are a record of my thinking process, and for the sake of honesty, integrity, I can’t ignore the mistakes I’ve made or the impact they’ve had on others. Today I came across a quote that perfectly describes the person I’m, in relationships.
This piece of writing was part of an article I’m writing, about how I would help someone answering the question of “what do I want to do”, where I discuss how to pick a major and what helps you to define the way you contribute to this world. I found the draft of the article to be very lengthy, I may expected the reader to be aware of different notions upfront, so I preferred this topic to be referenced here. As many of my drafts are pointing to it.
There were parts of my childhood and teenage years when I found myself visiting what I now think of as the cave of disparity. I was fortunate enough to find my way out. much of the credit goes to one essential shift that guided me toward stability if I my say: I stopped over-complaining about my condition and began paying attention to how my thoughts were shaping my state of being.
Sister Calderon: I don’t know but..whenever we happen to meet you’re always helping people and smiling.
Arthur: You’re too smart for me sister..I guess I..I’m afraid.
Sister Calderon: There is nothing to be afraid of mister Morgan. Take a gamble that love exists and do a loving act. Perhaps you could help somebody, helping makes you really happy.