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I had a friend I met online who struggled with social anxiety. He used to tell me how he panicked at the idea of going to the university. I knew he wasn’t lying, but part of me couldn’t truly believe it, that a psychological disorder could control someone that much. I was telling him: you just needed to stop overthinking that people will hurt you, remind yourself there’s no reason to be afraid, and call it a day. Yes, I was ignorant. I tried to convince him to change something he couldn’t change, to “overcome it,” as if these were only voices in his head.

Today I folded the first 21 years of my life, years I can’t repeat or replay. I thank Allah for blessing me to live this long. Those first 21 years were upheavals.

Things I was wrong about Recently, I came to the realization: I’m not giving people what they deserve. I don’t make it easy for them to stay close to me, not only strangers, but even the people who care about me the most. I build walls, my mood is forever changing around them, and constantly not around. And I know this is wrong. I noticed that at the beginning of relationships, I can match people’s energy effortlessly, but over time I gradually drift back into being distant and cold.

Lately, I lost my ability to focus and maintain a flow state. I don’t sleep late, I eat relatively healthy food, and I’m not dopamine addicted. The problem comes down to practices that would align your efforts with what you want to achieve. Today, and after 15 days of nonsensical hard work (definitely I learned, but I wasn’t comfortable learning), I get an hour with myself, having a lovely flow state, I will note and try to list all the things that I have done to get my focus back.

I once read:

 “one of the greatest tragedies in life is that you will always be loved more than you will ever know, someone in your class might find your presence inviting and warm even if you’ve exchanged a few words with them or maybe none at all, someone on the street loves your smile and it brightens their path for the next few blocks, someone who regularly comes to work is disappointed when you aren’t there, someone missed you today, someone noticed when you’re gone, someone loves you when you’re there, someone loves you when you’re nowhere to be found at all, you might think you have always disappeared when you’re no longer in the picture, but you never left the frame”

It was a rainy day when I realized that I was 19 years old, and I only had a few months left to turn 20. I’m no longer becoming a teenager, just like how John Green puts it, my 20s will go fast. My 30s will go faster than I can imagine, and suddenly I’m 40. You can’t let your mind stop thinking about the future or let the things from the past stop controlling you.

Progress:  

One of the good things I lack in my life is receiving feedback. Usually, everyone assumes that I’m an expert at everything, and they tend to define the way of our communication based on my social presence (oh, that’s Ahmed, everyone likes this dude. he is amazing… etc) while the reality is significantly different. I know several quality skills, like anyone, without having superpowers, I know how to speak, communicate, but I guarantee you I’m not the best!, and there is alot that you don’t know about me.