why im doing this

do things badly

As the years pass by, I found my self adapt to different reason to keep living. to share. I’m not as clear as I use to about why I should be posting, but looking back over the years I recall how writing started. how reasons changed.

The Seeds of Writing 🌱

• I’ve had an amazing language teachers (Tahia and Jamal) they encouraged me to write and read since I was a little
• I’ve been under the wings of people who are naturally good at writing (this probably influenced me I mean I used to write poets when I was a little)
• I felt the need to express my feelings through writing (I’ve been actively journaling since 8th grade)
• I’ve fall in love without quotes and I become a collector at some point, they seemed to explain the world so I started crafting my own through writing (High school/teenager period)
• I’ve wished people could write more about their experiences and not generic content (When I need some on to talk about Computer Science from their heart and not what they have studied Reem’s blog was my savior and then later I loved the writings of Mohammed Yousif )
• I wanted to document my journey in life, I wished if the eldest people in my life had a book/blog that they have left for me so I can get to know them more, even after they’re gone.
• I wanted to make sense of my doings, I would write the task I should be doing for myself to see if I understand the procedure that supposed to happen and if there are any subtle pitfalls/misunderstanding I’m not aware of.

yes these are all different reason and I don’t know yet how I’m going to organize it, but I’m not going to overthink this.

but I got demons…. that were holding me from writing

I get amazed by the number of clicks I write on the keyboard everyday writing something. and it is really fascinating how I barely share it publicly. I’m not in my best to recall the WHY behind why I’ve been skeptical about this, but below are what I can list now:

• being busy is the biggest factor for not sharing it publicly, not that I can’t press post/publish but that I have a cognitive overload from being busy, I get to experience and learn lesson on the fly which I assume its a bless. but it comes in huge numbers and sometimes hard to unpack what I’ve learn. so they time between me taking the lesson and preparing to share the lesson spans, if I assigned a name to this period, lets say C, there will even more lessons that will pop in that period which lead to me giving up completely on sharing.
• not making sense of how this would help me. there was a time where I’ve had lost the meaning and I was blinded by something that I don’t know, the prevented me from seeing how this can help me in any way (practically speaking, yes I had reasons to write but not to share)? (later I found some reasons to share).
• I don’t have the writing tools: at that age being afraid is the default, I was telling myself if that x human is better than you at writing and knows how why would you still share? they got the experience, they got the talent, the got the time, they got the confidence. looking to back to how small I was to start such a thing makes sense.
• do people call it comfort zone?: I recall in 2023-2025 I’ve stopped a number of my social media accounts repeatedly, until this very day I’v not yet posted one single status on my main WhatsApp account. and it passes months until I share something publicly, now this has its own story, but it was one big reason that I’ve felt comfort in not being in public/ in not sharing even if that is on social media.
• prioritize what’s important : there is also a time where I’ve looked at the words that I’m writing and that I should be sharing, but not to everyone maybe I can do this to my closest people; family and friends first. they deserve me not being busy not being responsive and collaborative with everyone else except them. this is also what holds me back from not sharing.
• details and setup: everyone has their own unique way of communicating, with mutual culture you get to say what you want smoothly (by smoothly I mean that you don’t face difficulties in deciding what to say and the recipient is not having trouble interpret your words to what you actually meant) if we were to imagine how deviated I’m from that line, I’m sure I’m not as close. maybe in reality I can related and talk to people, but inside my head I overthink and over-engineer what I should say to the person in-front of me based on the data they are directly or indirectly steaming to me (will they relate to what I’m talking about, are they comfortable talking about this, are they going to feel offended, am I talking fast and now showing them the point, did I match their energy/slang, was the conversation interactive?), dozens of questions, now image you are talking to over 1000 people, thats what I put in my mind and heart before sharing anything publicly. now these details are hard to overcome.
• I’m wasting my time here: this is a real demon here, it tells me that the time I would spend in writing and then respond to people comments, inquiries, friendships rituals out of curiosity about me from my posts, can be dedicated to do something useful more, I would spend more doing more important things maybe.

moving forward

This blog website is an attempt, its not going to be the last one, but I have faith in it.